Today marks four years since the Serpentis attack which destroyed my family and many others.

The twins would have been eighteen this year. I find myself thinking about them a lot, wondering about the men they would have grown into. I imagine by now they would have been eager to go off to school together and play pranks on girls by switching themselves out for each other.

I think Maekari would have pursued starship and station design. He always liked to doodle, but not really artful stuff. His drawings were always precise and focused on things that could be built. He liked anything that could fly or float in the sky and gobbled up every scrap about starships he could get his hands on when Father wasn’t looking. Maybe he would have wanted to learn to be a pilot, even if not a capsuleer, but I think he would have enjoyed creating new and wonderful ships the most.

Kiraeni was always quite grounded in comparison and constantly teased Maekari about having his head in the clouds. But he adored our brother and would have gone wherever Maekari chose to go, at least at first. Later I think he would have felt the calling of his heart and come home to study Ida. He and Father used to sit for hours together poring over scrolls of the Idama and discussing the various philosophies contained within. Sometimes the three of us would get into such debates! Mom and Maekari would end up refereeing in the end.

I tried to talk to Devan about this but it turned into a fight. I’m not even sure how things got as sidetracked as they did… Suddenly we were arguing about my music and the navy and his corporation. He kept bringing up the oboe, how he went to all the trouble to find it for me and yet I’ve not played it once, not for him or for myself or anyone. He brings it up a lot, always pushing me about it, the fact it sits in my room on its stand, as he puts it, “gathering dust”.

He accused me of wasting my talents and the gift of the oboe, twice over—once from him, and once from my family—and otherwise giving up on what I love most. He said I was being ridiculous and that if I react this way the first time I get podded, I’m not “cut out to be a capsuleer either”. This of course brought up the fact I’m set to join the navy’s ranks in a few months and that opened a whole other diatribe about that.

He said I could have a fanbase of billions and be on tour across the Federation by now, but instead I threw it all away for the navy and revenge. I was livid. I still am. I couldn’t believe he would dare. He has no idea. No idea. I told him he was being a hypocrite. He gave up on the navy and has no right to be holier-than-thou to me about my music. And I haven’t given up on it! Has he never listened when I’ve told him how I wish I could sing and play in my spare time? He acts as if I can just pick it up and do it—but I can’t! I don’t know why.

He countered saying how being a combat pilot had been his dream, and even though it didn’t work out the way he wanted it to, he still followed it to where he is now. I asked him how exactly he felt he was being a combat pilot by saving Gallente bimbos from pleasure hubs and ferrying around livestock. But then his boss interrupted to ask Devan to haul some junk up from Ghesis (I almost laughed, the timing was that good), and Devan basically terminated the call. We haven’t spoken since. Eventually we will when we’ve both calmed down…but not yet.

We don’t often argue, but those few times we do, it’s pretty intense, and this was the worst yet. We were both angry. I still am. I wanted leave today to go home to see Mom but it wasn’t approved, and that didn’t help my mood either.

Devan is the closest person in the universe to me. I confided in him right from the start about everything that happened back then and now I feel like he’s throwing it back in my face. He tries to “help” and just makes me feel worse about it. If he can’t understand this about me, that I just can’t sing or play music at the flip of a switch, who will?

Even if I’m angry I understand he’s disappointed and hurt. I guess he feels like I don’t appreciate what he did. How do I get him to understand simply having the instrument isn’t enough? I have to feel the music too, and haven’t since that day I woke up in the hospital.

Where would I be now if not for pirates? Would I still be living on Intaki, writing songs and performing in local concert halls? Would I have taken that offer from Intaki Music Inc.? I should have, instead of thinking I’d be better off to pursue the Quafe talent scouts. Ambition… If I hadn’t…

I graduate soon. Even if I love music most, I’ve come to love spaceflight too. I think Father would be unhappy to see where I am now. Having experienced and learned everything I have since leaving Intaki, I still wonder why he kept us so sheltered from New Eden. It is a harsh cluster but that’s simply life. Ignoring it doesn’t mean it ceases to exist, and forbidding us as children from learning about it only made it that much more tempting. I’m not sure why he agreed to have the entire family take the trip to Stacmon for the talent event if he felt we had no business being in space. But then, I guess we were all getting older and maybe he was mellowing out, and me being an adult then and wanting to pursue my goals… He did always have my best interests at heart—all our best interests. I would like to believe he would have supported me no matter what I ended up doing in the end, even if I somehow would have still ended up here. I miss him.