I botched a meeting yesterday between myself and James Syagrius. That I had all but decided not to pursue my offer to RECLT to join IPI is beside the point—the meeting shouldn’t have gone the way it did regardless.
I should have listened to Bataav and postponed it. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind and trying to force myself to do it anyway simply resulted in…that. But my desire to…I don’t know, somehow prove myself by being available…overrode my better judgment. “Duty,” I said. Common sense is what I should have thought of.
Almost like when my gut tells me I shouldn’t undock but I do it anyway and come home in a pod. This wasn’t quite the same thing…but there’s a reason Bataav is actually the diplomat. I should have listened. I have a lot to learn.
Another photo came yesterday. I’d like to blame it for how I acted later. Maybe that’s true in a way but I also feel like it shouldn’t matter. I think to myself, The Suresha would never have ended up in the situation I did. If anything he would have put James on the back foot, not the other way around. I can’t imagine James would have dared admonish him, either. “Young lady,” he called me. I wasn’t a president, not even Isha. Just a child who needed scolding.
I haven’t slept. I couldn’t, not after all that. The photo… I have no idea what it’s a picture of. All the same, it’s terrible and it scares the hell out of me for what it could be.
A lot is coming at me at once and some is of my own doing. All I can hope for is the strength to get through it all. This isn’t the way I want things to be.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Right?